Gonzo Comic: Pandemic Parenting

Gonzo Parenting

Each day of this circus, Alice has taken the kids to the fields to burn off energy in the afternoons for an hour or so. When they come back, the twins love to ring the doorbell and then hide and they play this game with me where I pretend I don’t know who is at the door, and I’m all surprised, and they giggle while they hide in the bushes. 

Here’s how today’s round went:

Alice and the kids leave. One hour later, they come back. Like all of us parents, I’ve had moments of being more present than not during this time, and having had my break from the kids, I decide I’m really gonna dial up the Dad energy and make the spider monkeys laugh.

“ding dong” goes the doorbell. 

I call out (all in kid speak mind you): whoooooo isssss it??!!! Whoooooo’s there???

They hit the doorbell. Again, ding dong!

Me: is there someone there? I heaaaaaaar you, but I don’t seeeee you!!!

Ding dong! 

Me: Are those wormy worms at the door? Do you have booger sandwiches for me??!!

This time 3 rings: ding dong, ding dong, ding dong. 

Me (top of my lungs now): “that’s it! I’ve had enough! (Stomping my feet like a giant as I thunder through the house). I’m coming to the door, and when I catch youuuu, I’m going to TICKLE YOU UNTIL YOU PEE IN YOUR PANTS!!!” I scream as I whip the door open and yell “ah-ha!!”

And then time stopped still. 

And there stood the UPS delivery man who looked at least as confused as I felt. 

I look at him. 

He looks at me. 

My face feels hot. 

Me: “I…uh…I…”

Him: “Listen, I just need a signature.”

Me, now unable to make eye contact, signing and handing it back…

Him, walking down the driveway: “enjoy your wine.”